I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
