I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
