sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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