My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
