I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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