Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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