I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
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I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
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My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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