when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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