Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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