omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
