i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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