i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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