the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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