i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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