im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
