Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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