I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
