she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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