I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
