I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
