So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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