I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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