so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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