Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
