I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
where am i from again
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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