I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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