I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
