Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
