Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
