If that was your dad, he is hot
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
