In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
