remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
