She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just invented taco cereal.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
