Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
