i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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