honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
