I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
