I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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