My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
