Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
