Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
