New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
