i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
This baby is an asshole
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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