the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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