remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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