If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
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Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
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So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.