Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She even gives head with a lisp.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
