I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
