All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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