I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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