Too much gin, very little bucket
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
