I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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