Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
