dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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