i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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