Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
