What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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