Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she peed on how many people?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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