i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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