i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
