Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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