I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
