Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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