I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
