Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
