she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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