i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
