3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
